ON BEING A GREAT HUNTER...

My Grandfather Bell was an avid hunter. He loved to go deer hunting in the fall of the year. I remember him saying year after year, “I got my deer!” My Dad also would go deer hunting on occasion. I can’t remember hearing him ever saying “I got my deer!” Since there were hunters in my family, it would only seem right that I, too, should be a great hunter! One would think so.

It was 1987 and I decided to get my deer license. I borrowed a 30-06 Rifle from one of the men in the church in Springfield. Early one morning I took the gun, jumped in the car, and headed for the bush. I was going deer hunting...alone...and for the first time in my life! I was 28 years old.

I found an old woods road somewhere near Keswick Ridge and drove for about two kilometers and just as I rounded a corner there on the road in front of me were two beautiful, full sized deer! Suddenly, everything went silent! All I could hear was my heart pounding like a bass drum in my head. I stopped the car and slowly turned the ignition off. They didn’t move. They just stood there looking at me. I reached slowly for the door handle, pulling then turning it and the window went down. I then reached for the proper handle and opened the door very slowly. My hands were sweating! I eased out of the driver’s seat. They still didn’t move. They just stood there looking at me.

I made my way around to the back of the car and inserted the key slowly into the trunk lock. I very quietly lifted the trunk lid and reached in for the gun that was wrapped in a blanket. I fumbled trying to get the clip of bullets out of my front pocket and into the bottom slot of the gun. I peeked around the side of the trunk lid and the two deer still hadn’t moved. I heard one of them whisper to the other, “What’s he doing?” The pretty one whispered back, “I’m not sure.”

I was finally ready! I gained my composure, straightened my tie, and like an actor ready to step out onto the stage for his grand performance, I boldly, yet quietly stepped from behind the car and raised the gun in James Bond 007 fashion, and pointed in the direction of the two deer. They had both vanished into thin air!!

I closed the trunk lid and walked to the front of the car and peered down through the trees and there they were! Looking right at me again. I slowly raised the rifle and locked the sights on the front shoulder of the bigger one. Now everything went into slow motion as I pulled the trigger. It seemed like eternity pulling my finger back until there was this massive explosion and sharp pain in my shoulder! I saw fire shoot from the end of the rifle and the bullet hit its mark and the deer crumpled to the ground and didn’t move!

The next few minutes seemed like hours as I walked over to the deer and then back to the car. I walked back to the deer and then back to the car. Once again I walked over to the deer and then back to the car. I actually did this about six times. All the while, I was muttering to myself, asking questions. “What do I do now? I’ve never shot a deer before! Why in the world have I done this? Nobody ever told me what happens after you shoot a deer. What am I supposed to do now?”

Just then I remembered grandfather saying something about a deer needing to be bled. So I walked towards the car thinking, “I need a knife. Did anyone bring a knife?” The voice in my head replied, “No! Nobody brought a knife!” So I said to myself, “I have to bleed that deer!” I walked back over to the deer and grabbed the front legs and pulled it around so its head was tilted down a little slope and I pointed the gun at its throat and shot it again using the bullet as a knife! It worked and it bled! Just then I envisioned a tomb stone beside the deer’s head that simply said, BAMBI. Underneath was the inscription, “What have I ever done...to deserve even ONE...of the bullets you’ve shot?” Strangely enough I could hear a tune in my head as I read these words! I felt like a very bad boy!!

So while BAMBI is bleeding, I shamefully walked back to the car realizing that I needed to carry this animal home. My next task was to find a piece of rope to tie the body to my car. I go around to the trunk and reached into my pocket for my keys. No keys! Then I remembered that I had laid them down on the floor of the trunk when I got the rifle out. And I had closed the trunk! I spent the next 34 minutes destroying my back seat trying to find an opening. I finally found (created) a 6” hole and with a stick went fishing for a set of keys in the dark. Miraculously I caught them! When I finally opened the trunk there wasn’t even a hint of rope anywhere to be found. All I had were two old fan belts. I reasoned, “I can make them work!” I wrestled the deer to the car and was able to get the beast up onto the front hood. I hooked the left front leg with the fan belt and slipped it over the driver’s side windshield wiper. I then hooked the left hind leg with the other fan belt to the passenger’s side windshield wiper. I thought, “What a great idea! I should publish that in “The Professional Hunter’s Great Idea Book!”

I packed the gun and turned the car around. As I drove along I noticed the deer’s belly began to swell! I thought, “That’s strange! Has anyone got a Rolaid?” Turns out the heat from the car motor was now roasting my deer! I could smell hair burning and just the slight hint of deer steak on the grill! It dawned on me that I hadn’t yet dressed the deer meaning that all the innards were still inward!

So, I stopped at the first house I came to. As I drove into the driveway there were two men standing next to the house talking. They both paused their conversation glancing at me and then at the deer and then back at me as I drove closer. One of them leaned over to the other and said something and then they both began to laugh hysterically! I felt a wee bit conspicuous!

When I got out of the car I asked them if they had a knife I could borrow. At first one of the men said, “NO!” The other said, “I’ll give you a knife, but you’re not gutting that thing around here!” I said, “What do I do?” He replied, “Well you really should let the air out of that deer’s belly!” So I took his butcher knife and thrust it into its belly!

Now folks, I thought the smell of burning hair was bad enough, but WHOA! Now I had one superior mess all over the hood and windshield of my car! I continued driving home with the windows up and no fan on! As I drove along, people I met would pull over to the side of the road and point their finger at us saying, LOOK! LOOK, KIDS! and then EEEEEWW! 

On the way home I met one of the men from the church. He stopped and asked what I was doing. Before I could answer...he said, “Don’t bother trying to explain, Pastor....let’s just get this thing gutted!” Needless to say the meat was ruined! When I drove into the yard with the deer on my car, Esther came out onto the front deck and I said, "I shot my deer!" She said, "No you didn't!" I said, "Yes I did!" She said, "No you didn't!...Who shot it really?"


Upon my honor, I have never shot another deer since that day and most likely never will, ever again! If you ever want me to go hunting with you, I’ll just bring the fan belts!

As for a spiritual application to this story....there is none! All I could remotely come up with is when the Lord spoke to Peter and said, “Arise, kill and eat!” Acts 11:7 As far as I'm concerned, that's simply not enough information!    Have a blessed day!    SRR

PS: When we all get to heaven, please promise me you will never breathe a word of this story to my Grampy Bell!